3 month update

Well I've just realized its been almost three months since I've been on here. I guess I've had a lot to say just finding the time to get on here. When your sharing a computer because yours has been broken for a while its much harder to find time and sit down and type. I've tried to find time but other things more important always come up. Now I have the time and I'm very happy about that.

Since I've last been on here as you may know I've had a job with Target. Since then kinda much has happened. My car broke down and lost a timing belt and along with it my water pump too. I don't have the money nor do I feel its worth it to put at least a grand to more. Even then I'm not guaranteed my car would work again. So I'm now a woman of public transportation and parents taking me to work when they can and picking me up. On the weekend's my dad has been nice enough to let me borrow his truck. I've learned much appreciation for what it is to have your own car.

In the meantime, my life hasn't been very exciting. Just work and learning new things at my job. Going to church and not really much of any social life at all. I guess I feel I'm missing out, but really what would I do. I don't have a singles group I can get to or don't have hardly any friends. It kinda sucks, but I guess when you've never really had that your whole life you get used to it I think that's why I watch more TV than I like. I still would like to go back to school, but now that my car took a dump that is out of the question as of this moment at least. It would be a challenge to get to school, I would like to get a job off campus and down in San Dimas its a good idea to have your car in LA anyway. Things change though. I still am looking to going back to school hopefully by next fall. I would love to feel like I've actually gotten started with my life. You know I guess I haven't felt very successful as a young person. I've accomplished staying away from drugs and bad company. I've recently come to realize that comparing yourself to others does you No good at all. I guess I can say "compared" to my peers I may not have as much as I would like. "Compared" to my peers I'm not married nor have I graduated college, I've never had a boyfriend nor do I really need that in my life at the moment, although it would be nice to have someone to do social things with. Other than that, at least I can say I have life and have a relationship with the Lord.

You know this may sound really bad but I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving with extended family due to constant questions such as "When are you going to have a boyfriend", your brother has a girlfriend, and two of your cousins have boyfriends?" Um, or the usual "Your not wearing any make-up!" You know its funny when I do make an effort to look extra nice they never notice, not that I do it to have them notice, but it becomes rather annoying. I hate feeling like I never measure up to my grandparents approval. Why should I care right? Well its awful hard not to when they are your family and you want them to approve in a way. I've seen though, because my dad is the youngest compared to my uncle, I've seen favoritism with my uncle because he's older. Because we did move to Idaho for a time and were back from there, my grandparents haven't seemed very thrilled with my dad. My mom's mom expressing that she's mad at my dad for dragging us up there. You know its not my dad's fault, he didn't know things wouldn't work out. I guess when you do things God's way people who aren't believers will not understand. They are just too set in their own ways. It makes me really angry with my extended family. Times when I get the annoying questions I want to set them straight but its hard for me to want to be mean because they are my extended family. I hate drama anyway, I'd rather keep my mouth shut then there to be more drama. I'm always so nice and really I think I've learned to just keep my mouth shut. I want to be able to have some exciting news to tell family, but sorry I don't. I wish my brother would just not say anything, the last time we had a family gathering he said some things to my aunt that made her super defensive. She came to me and asked me stupid questions as to whether my family drinks. I don't know exactly I just hate feeling like I'm bad because I don't involve myself in their doings. Its a personal conviction for me, I don't think its a good witness when others know what you stand for and you do the opposite. Don't you think it shows them its okay to "claim" to be a believer in yet do as the world does. What does drinking even for fun do? I think you can be yourself without it, don't you think? Honestly, its a sad excuse as a crutch to be much more relaxed. I don't like the smell of alcohol I've seen what's its done to many of the people in high school I've befriended. Some girl I befriended was a big alcoholic, people made fun of her. I even brought her to church and I really hope she allowed the Lord to make a small impact in her life. I actually wonder where she is today. In any case, that could have been the kicker to me, that even drinking once in a while is not a good idea. I don't like the idea of being out of control. I like having self control. That's one of the fruits of the spirit by the way. :0) Ha ha! I feel very strong on this issue and I don't like being pressured about this, not even from family. You know can't people learn to be okay with your own convictions. I should be more tolerant of others, but you know what is there a law that says I have to. I shouldn't judge them, but at the same time there should be accountability.

What I really should be doing is praying for my extended family more often that I have been. Prayer is always the key, at least one of them that is. You know I think this Thanksgiving I'm just going to continue to be the Michelle that the good Lord made and created me to be. I have to be happy with who God made me. He has his timing for all things. I'm in a season of wait at the moment. It feels like everyone is passing me by, but really I have to trust God for his timing. My time will come for all things. I can't compare myself to others, not even my own sibling,because it seems he has it all together I've wondered if God favors him more than me. These are just thoughts I've had before, nothing to them. Don't take me too seriously. I know that none of these thoughts are true at all. Thoughts that are confusing and nothing of truth are lies. I'm really happy to see my brother is moving along, I just feel left out and left behind. I feel that because I'm older I should have things together before him. I hope I don't get stuck where I'm at for the rest of my life. I hope this isn't only what God has planned for me, I've asked for direction and haven't gotten much at all. The Lord seems silent at this time of my life. But he's still faithful and great and no matter what happens I will continue to serve him. So in the meantime we'll see what happens in this new year coming along.

I'm not really happy with who we have as president coming up, but I need to be praying for each and everyone of my leaders no matter how much I disagree morally with them. I don't like abortion, nor do I think its okay for anyone to have a choice to kill. Murder is murder. But at the same time, in a perfect world, God's world people wouldn't even have to think about such a thing. Unfortunately, we live in a messed up society with messed up people in need of forgiveness and love and grace. These people really need a savior and as a christian I am commanded to be praying for this country. On election night I was furious about the choice that was made, but then the still small voice of the Holy Spirit spoke up and said you have no right to complain, just pray. You know I think of the old testament and how people cried out for a new king, and the Lord granted their request despite how bad or evil these kinds turned out to be. The old testament had some really good ones and then some bad ones, and the Lord always allowed them to have freewill. Even now the Lord has given us freewill and we as a nation have decided, but I can't help to think God allowed it to happen. Overall, as a christian I can make a difference with prayer and sharing the truth with those who need to hear. To live my life unto the Lord and to be his shining light.

Overall, through this blog it may have sounded like a complaining session and in some ways it probably was, but I really just needed to air my thoughts and frustrations. I am very grateful for freedom of speech, and of course all these things I shared are JUST FEELINGS and not fact.

Anyway, I think I should get going, and thank you for reading if any people at all.

Mishy :0)

Just a brief update since I haven't written one in a while

All is well in Michelle's world. I started my job with Target about a week ago and things are overall good. I really like the people I work with and everyone just seems really nice and willing to help. I like that its completely different from Grocery work and I like the customers or at Target we call them (Guests). Its funny really, I'm getting used to all their lingo and everything else that comes with a new job. The first few days I was there though I had some issues that arouse. None of them were my fault but their lack of scheduling. I knew because I was still training that it wouldn't be a good idea to accept extra hours, only the ones they had me scheduled for. I was still thinking that geez I'm just getting used to things and you already want me to work extra. I didn't feel comfortable, but I did work some extra not much though. After a few days had passed I got a chance to talk to my bosses boss and she informed me that because I'm training they would prefer me not to just because they have a set schedule and what not for those of us that are new. In any case, things are good and I know I'll still be learning even past my two weeks of training. All in all, I like Target very much and I also get a 10% employee discount. Its cool, but I also read in my handbook that to use it and then to pay for things they won't let you use your debit card but only cash and check. I find that a little silly but I guess it makes sense. I guess I get paid this Friday which I'm very happy about. Although my money I'll be saving up to get my car fixed, need to pay bills and just saving because its a good habit to get into.

So much of the time, when I do get money I like to burn it but really I know its not being a good steward of what the Lord has given me. Its nice to buy things, but I have to constantly determine if whether I really need something or just want it.

I've been going through 3 weeks of free counseling, its a long story. But I've been looking for a church to call my home and I fell upon a church that has a licensed counselor and who is on their staff. He is retiring from the pastoral staff but will still be going to the church. At the time he was in charge of getting to know the new people coming in and he happened to give me a call and the door just opened for me to get some good one on one counseling from someone who's been trained for that. It has been really healing and really neat to have someone to talk to about problems and I feel much better after doing so. Counseling I would recommend for anyone who wants to be a better person and a better follower of the Lord. It has very much helped in my relationship with God and with others. I can't wait to get started on my training to be a counselor one day. Now that I've had a better look at what a counselor does all the more do I feel that, that is what I want to be doing and what I feel the Lord is directing me to do.

Well anyway, not much more to tell. My parents house in Idaho has a buyer which is totally awesome.

You know one thing I've noticed about myself and many others is that, when we go through very hard challenging times we tend to not think God is that good or we tend to not thank him or praise him so much. We because were humans always get caught up in paying too much attention to our circumstances and not enough on our Lord. Its a normal human thing, but I have to train and teach myself to look always on the Lord. I've been experiencing his true awesome love. I've seen myself draw closer to the Lord through these tough times. You know life will never ever be easy no matter how much of a christian we are. Life will always be turned upside down. Not because there is a God who doesn't love us but because he happens to know more stuff about us then we know about ourselves. He must know I need challenges to grow. How could I know that. I usually don't want to have anything to do with anything that is hard. I usually want to run the other way and resist hard times. All in all my character must need it, my faith must need it and my heart must learn to depend more and more on the Lord. Ultimately I can't do anything without him and even if I were to try everything would fall flat to the ground. Through my counseling I've come to experience and see more and more of God's love for me. Learning to respect myself and to love myself for who I really am. To not compare myself to others but change what I can and leave the rest to God. He is not meant to be our servant but we are his servants and his is our master. He is all that I know I could ever fully need.

I think for now this is about all I think I want to write, but later I'm sure I'll have much more to share. Thanks for reading and God Bless.

The Flag of Victory or Defeat?

You know growing up in the Assemblies of God denomination I've always heard the term "Victorious". And honestly I've always struggled with that because If you've ever dealt with depression as a believer it is hard to seem victorious. I've always associated being "victorious" as having no problems, having a smile, being holy spirit filled, life perfect. And when, as a teen I battled depression a lot because of circumstances and things that took place. I always had a pastor or pastors telling me you need to be victorious, like it was an emotion you turn on and off. It really bothered me when people tried to tell me how to be or how to act. I read the bible all the time so I knew that being depressed was frowned upon because, if you were, you were looked at as not really saved to some. Not that the bible says not to be depressed because if we really read we see all the great men and women of God battled with it much of the time. Whether it would be david, crying out to God to save him from Saul, or Moses who doubted that he could be used of God, or even Paul who was left on an island all by himself. I'm sure he desired companionship with others and dealt with depression. He obviously rose out of it, but when it comes down to it he became victorious because he learned from his circumstances and situations. I guess others were trying to tell me its a choice and I committed the sin plenty of times of self-pity because no one had taught me different. I knew what I knew and I didn't know different. You live what you only know. But you can be taught differently with time and to train your mind with God's help to think and act differently. In any case your wondering where I'm going with this here it is. A few days ago I was reading a devotional that really hit me and taught me a new way of thinking that I had yet knew before. The title of it was What Flag am I waving today? Here's just a few thoughts to what was said that I had wrote down in my prayer journal on the topic of victory.

True victory is strength in God. It is a genuine strength in God. I should endure hardship by drawing down from his strength.

A person living in absolute victory says: I'm at a very bad place in my life right now, but I've been on my knees. I'm walking with God and experiencing his strength. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but I love the Lord. He has become very real and precious to me."

When you live by faith through a time of suffering, you display the reality of God in your life. You proclaim the absolute superiority of the life lived in God- even in trials-by contrasting how people who don't know the Lord go through the same trials.

The difference is the type of victory you experience. I call that "raising the flag" in Jesus' name. When you live by faith, you wave that flag and show others the difference trusting him can make.

So am I embracing the trial as allowed by a loving God for a good purpose? At the time during the trial you wonder is this really for a good purpose, or is to torture me? That's what I was thinking, but no really I had to be thinking that way and I wasn't. But its okay to think like that too.

Don't miss your opportunity to spread the fame of his name. To raise the flag of victory!

So yeah, I go through things but in Christ he gave me victory that even through the trial I may not feel victorious but its a faith that is unseen and a supernatural strength in the Lord that really is true victory.

So having victory is not life being perfect or good, but realizing that through those trials I need to draw down my strength from God. Its through those things that we really learn to trust God for victory. Realizing he is looking out for my best, even though it may not seem like it at the time really he is. So I'm sure I'll have days where I may not seem "victorious" but I know that through it all its for a better purpose than what I can see for sure.

Let's wave the Flag of victory that overall the Lord rose again from death and it had no hold on him. Draw down your strength and he will you strength to rise up and be victorious.

Thanks guys for reading. He is all we truly need emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

Hope, Regardless.

These are just thoughts from my devotional journal that I've had recently regarding such a tremendous trial that I have gone through. 

The Hope that Peter wrote about is not one of crossing your fingers and hoping that trouble will pass, but it is the genuine

trust that no trial on earth can rob us of all the goodness and grace-including eternity-that we have in him.

My definition of hope has been that of something of mortality. Hope has also been known to trust in some thing we possibly can't see.

We hope in what we wish or dream. We hope in the future. We hope things will get better. We hope this, we hope that. My hope should

always be in the Lord Jesus. Hope is something we can't see. We hope in things that are already set and grounded. I think I've

always laid my hope in circumstances, hoping they would change. But I have to lay and give my hope in Jesus. He's the one

that holds my life in his hands. He holds what is happening to me, what will, what won't and so on. Even if circumstances say

don't change, I still should hope in the Lord. In him is strength and security. In him is peace which always remains, unlike

hope of the world which constantly changes from minute to minute, day to day. When I put it like that, hoping in the world

would drive me crazy. Having someone like the Lord to lean upon is truly hope. Hope that in Christ circumstances will and

usually do turn around. While hoping in the Lord, life doesn't seem so bad, when things don't go right. Life without hope in

Christ is hopeless. There is hopelessness away from Christ. That even placing hope in the Lord, won't guarantee that I still

won't war and battle within myself. Hoping in the Lord doesn't mean life will be a bed of roses. Hoping doesn't guarantee

life is easy. But with Christ, living life makes it bearable, and all worth while. Hoping is putting faith in someone that I can't

see, or will not always feel. Faith is about believing, even when you don't believe. Its about trusting that when we fall there

is a God to catch us. He is almighty, all knowing, all caring, all sufficient, all omniscient, all omnipresent, all sovereign.

He is hope. He is all loving, and all merciful, in yet just and disciplining at the same time. He is my God, and I need him

and hoping in him today. Thank you for who you are Lord.

These were some thoughts I feel were possibly God breathed or just needed to come out. Must have been a revelation or

something because it just blew me away. It was almost like poetry. It is totally awesome. I guess he is the creator of poetry.

Anyway, that's it for now. Thanks for all who read. In the meantime, have a great week.

Today's Thoughts

Well today has been very interesting. My dad totally overlooked the bill for the water, so in the midst of a shower the water got turned over. Luckily I didn't have soap or anything, just water, so it wasn't a big deal. So today no job looking because of the water thing. I'm a bit frustrated but what are you going to do, you know. Anyway, I wish I could help but no job, no help. 

On another note, you know don't you love relatives. Especially the grandparents. You know grandparents they mean well but mine are just so nosy its crazy. I don't ever really enjoy family gatherings because I know what their thinking. I'm not the favorite grandchild, I think I used to be but now its my brother. At least that's what I observe. Anyway, because he does the things that they expect I think that's why they like him. I chose to not be like everyone else, but to stay true to myself. I feel tolerated but not particularily liked you know. When my mom's mom calls I always make sure my mom doesn't share too much because my Grandma always has to put her two cents in. She gets over concerned for us thinking we can't make it or something like that. Anyway, my poor mom always gets bullied into sharing more. My grandma's health problems are some of because she worries herself too much into oblivion because she's overconcerned about us. I hate to say I don't enjoy family times but I really don't like the stares of disapproval from relatives and questions about job things. I'm just saying that sometimes its better that if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all. That's the classic saying that we've heard in elementary school. 

You know really my grandparents don't understand all that has happened. I can't explain why God has chosen for me to not have a job, I've been really trying like so hard and nothing. I've had nothing for like almost 5 months. Its so frustrating but I just have to tell myself that my circumstances are in his hands. I'm sure this might have to also do with the economy we live in. If my mom was able to get a job shouldn't I be able to. The economy isn't that bad, at least not yet. My grandparents haven't put their faith in the Lord nor my mom's mom so all they see is the physical realm and have advice for what they see and nothing more than that. They think I'm not trying hard enough, or I haven't looked enough places or this or that or whatever. Its just not worth explaining to them I just leave it alone. 

I don't want to go to any family related events because of this factor at least for now. Thank God there aren't any scheduled for the moment so no worries. 

Anyway, for today I think I'm done with my rants and raves. I feel good that I can share these thoughts without making someone mad. I had an episode where I was for a moment foolish and put my thoughts on myspace not knowing that a certain person who usually doesn't go on my myspace, that day read what was on my blog. No more of that, this is a much better place. Horray for that! 

Just the start.

Today is just the start of something new. I've never really had any other place to share my thoughts, they have always been stuck in my head nagging at me, needing to come out. This is a good place for me, so I won't offend anyone. I've done some of that, and don't mean to just some don't understand the thoughts. I think this is a healthy way to get things out, as to not keep things bottled up inside. So I'm sure I'll be using this frequently to share the daily thoughts and moments that happen anytime for me. I don't think anyone will read these but in any case you do, thank you. I don't care either way, just as long as I don't offend anyone. This is kinda like an online journal really. Its really cool, I think. Anyway, I'm done for now. 

Mishy